In a urgent sign that the police should consider diverting more of its taxpayer-supplied funds from the latest Raytheon technology, BearCats, and military weaponry, and towards a decent film production unit, LAPD's Hollywood Division has released a bizarre new PSA video that we just can't get out of our heads.
The video opens with a shot of Hollywood Boulevard that suggests all the menace of an HBO re-run of that old documentary about sex workers at Hunt's Point. The beginning is all blurry lights, brooding saxophone, and suggestive frames of young adults in mini-dresses looking for a night of dancing and cocktails framed to look suggestively nefarious.
Two dorks, one in a Space X shirt and his pal in a giant backpack, briefly enter the frame to contemplate the line at a velvet rope, before saying "fuck it," and rushing to the warm, safe bosom of the 10:15 showing of Jurassic World: Dominion at the Chinese Theater.
As the music intensifies with Steven Bochco-style menace, a couple of ranflas ride by, hydraulics pumping as the viewers' unease increases. More dorks appear and gain admission into a club no one probably wants to go to. And that's when the terrible, techno/porno beat we will be consumed by for the rest of our days begins.
Through some kind of Hollywood magic, we're whisked into a "real-life" scenario where a bunch of middle-aged guys who bear more than a little resemblance to off-duty cops are found hanging out at some cheesy drinking hole, trying to get their respective fuck on with a group of ladies at the end of the bar.
So far, no foul.
In fact, it appears that maybe this will be a super important warning to people about leaving their drinks unattended, lest one of these guys, perhaps say, the dude with the Donald Trump Jr. beard, is a potential sex offender with a pocketful of GHB inside the front pocket of his Boogaloo shirt.
Instead, that whole entire, very real issue of dangerous druggings and sexual assault at bars and nightclubs is avoided altogether so the video can tell us, as we watch these men take shots, to "look out for your friends. Arrive together and stay together."
Why exactly? To prevent some kind of follow-home robbery? To avoid a homophobic and/or INCEL-fueled mass-shooting? To ensure your partner doesn't drunkenly fire his service pistol into a streetlight? Or could it be the age-old temptation of a smiling blonde woman sitting at the end of the bar?
Bingo. A pointedly sexist plot twist finds the camera suddenly panning to the gaggle of women.
"Be aware of your surroundings. Keep your head and eyes up and avoid unnecessary distractions," the video pleads, weirdly in contrast with much of the point of being at a bar and downing shots in the first place. But okay.
The women's Eve-ian charms work their sinister Siren magic and soon the two parties begin mingling. At this point, you're probably wondering what absolutely awful tortures these men have in store for these nice ladies. You know, considering the massive amount of violence and hate targeting women in this country and world.
Will they drug them and ship them to some polygamous autocrat? Or some other sadly all too real scenario that people absolutely should be on guard about when partying in Hollywood or, really, anywhere?
No. In a recreation of a criminal act that has probably never, ever happened in this manner, one of the men, too busy boring everyone about all the sports-fishing he plans to do once he reaches retirement, fails to observe rule #3 and falls prey to unnecessary distraction.
Then, in the crime of the century, the evil blonde woman slips her arm down from his shoulder in the chaos of a toast, and steals his cellphone from out of his back pocket. Then she tries to bail. But a big bald bruiser of a police sergeant stands before her, thwarting the entire undoing of civic society as we know it.
He stares at her, as she looks down in shame... for a really... really long, awkward moment that only ends to offer us some weird cut shots including the wall in a precinct parking lot and the shiny hood of a cruiser.
End scene.
Being the Hollywood Division and all, you'd think the force would have some strong local contacts in the film business that could burnish its reputation with something a little slicker than a piece of crap that manages to make the Powell Electric commercial look like the sequel to Dune. But alas, Hollywood is never what it seems, right?
In any case, as we pray to an indifferent god to get that song out of our head, L.A. TACO's advice to the general public is much shorter and simpler: Avoid Hollywood nightlife altogether and if you find yourself there, turn your street-smarts on.
As this video ably shows, you never know what kinds of creeps are hanging around.
And here's the full video below:
LAPD PSA: Nightlife Cellphone #bealert #hollywood #SafetyFirst pic.twitter.com/njemkF2Nl5
— LAPD Hollywood Division (@LAPDHollywood) July 8, 2022
